My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
