I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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