Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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