my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
