You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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