She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize