so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
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