I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
