Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
