dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I supernannyed him into submission
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
