I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
This is my gift to your gina
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
