So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
