...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
