why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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