There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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