just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
