I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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