I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
