Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
