Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
