I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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