i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
