woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
