True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he thought i was a dude.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
