well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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