I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
