I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
