My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
