She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
