are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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