i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
