just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
