Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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