My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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