you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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