y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
