good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
