Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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