instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
