I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
