where am i from again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
