when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
