How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
