Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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