Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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