I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
