Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
