dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
