my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We were destined to go to rehab together
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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