I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my phone needs a breathalizer
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
