Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize