i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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