I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
