Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
