I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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