I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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